Muse of Space
My names Katrina, and this is my blog for everything that isn't personal.
Yes to so much of this. I Kissed a Girl (the Katy Perry version, not Jill Sobule’s song) has the power to gut me emotionally in twenty seconds or less. Anything implying contact between women is only foreplay or inherently doesn’t count makes me rage. To suggest that same-sex love is inherently more “adult” than love between a cis man and a cis woman makes me rant for hours.
You’re in the fifth grade and someone in Sunday school asks about what different sins start to happen. The teacher explains that the worst ones are the ones that you think are okay, like having a girlfriend if you’re a girl or a boyfriend if you’re a boy.
You’re not sure why but you’re sick to your stomach as you hear your pastor talk about how the amendment to the Colorado constitution to make marriage between a man and a woman is a good thing. It makes you feel uncomfortable, and like you can’t breathe.You’re relieved when you can’t move on and secretly hope the amendment won’t pass, even though you don’t get why at all.
It makes you start to wonder about how God made you, and if who you are is a sin and whether or not you’ll have to struggle with this for the rest of your life. It makes you hate going to church, even though you won’t come out to yourself for another three years.
Later, your mother will wonder to you out loud why you are still angry about these things, about her forcing you to go to church when they were places that didn’t accept you for who you are. You are tempted to tell her that you will stop being angry when they stop hurting.
You aren’t done being angry yet.
Wow, the added commentary just now makes me want to alternate between smashing things and spreading out my protective wings to hug everyone who’s ever had to go through that.
When you sit in class in 4th grade and hear your teacher slamming political candidates for supporting gay rights and you raise your little hand and ask, “but aren’t they born that way?” and your teacher responds, “that’s what they want you to think.”
When you sit in 5th grade and your principal comes into to outlaw the playing of the football game “smear the queer,” not because it’s defaming to queers, but because it’s calling the other players queer, and even insinuating queerness is unacceptable.
When you fail your high school sex-ed quiz for refusing to call homosexuality “unnatural.”
When you’re 8 years old in church and hear the pastor who happens to be a family friend be publicly unsupportive of his gay sister from the pulpit and encourage the congregation to do the same.
When you’re 12 years old in church and hear your mother telling someone that having a gay child would be “just so sad.”
When you aren’t even allowed to listen to Katy Perry because she “glorifies homosexuality.”
When you aren’t allowed to watch TV shows with gay characters so you hide your DVD box sets.
When you’re 13 years old and wondering why you don’t like boys yet.
When you’re 17 years old and you realize why.
When you come out to your mother and she makes you promise not to tell anyone.
When you come out to your friends and they ask you if you’re going to be celibate or go to anti-gay therapy.
When your friends discuss how gross two girls kissing is in front of you.
When your friends ask you “how you even do it?”
When your friends and family publicly support anti-gay organizations.
Homosexuality is the most damaging thing to ever happen to me.
It makes me hate the church.
It makes me hate Christians.
It makes me hate my parents for raising me in such a toxic environment.
It makes me hate myself.
It’s still prevalent, and it’s still harmful.
And that’s why gay rights, and pride, and representation matters.
When you call out your cishet friends for using slurs and they say “oh if you knew what that person did to me you’d understand why I called them that”
When your aunt tells you same sex couples shouldn’t have kids because the kids will turn out gay and ‘how sad is that’
When you ask your dad what he’d do if you were gay and he says “oh honey please don’t be gay”